It was February. I needed to take a break. What better place than Amsterdam ?
My life for the past three years had been quite repetitive and incarcerating, it was all about studying.
I finished a bachelor degree in Physics specializing in Theoretical Physics, I really enjoyed Quantum Mechanics, my thesis was on a special case of anomaly in quantum mechanics, I basically studied the hamiltonian that explains the interaction between an electron and a polar molecule that can be reduced to one dimension:

$$H = -\frac{\hbar^2}{2m}\frac{d^2}{dx^2} - \frac{a}{x^2}$$

It was hard and challenging, it trained my brain in a way I’ve never experienced before.
I really wanted to continue in Theoretical Physics, but I could not bring myself to accept the required sacrifices. Too much time alone, too much time spent studying, it felt weird.
The situation is nicely summed up by this question:

Why am I spending all my life trying to understand reality instead of living it ?

I decided then to use my old time hobby Computer Science as my main way of earning money.
After all I spent a lot of time programming and in general living on my computer, as bad as that is.
I gave it a try and some months later here I am as a software engineer in a startup of young and smart people.
I could not have asked for anything better. I have to deal with challenges of all kinds, from technical to social. I finally get to use my eclecticism for something useful that gets me recognized by peers.
Humans do really need that lol. I really needed that. I finally have something that my brain can devour.
So that it does not devour me. Anyway, I told you all of this to justify my necessity for a holiday.
So here we are in Amsterdam, probably my favourite city in Europe. I really wanted to enjoy these four days in Amsterdam. I desperately wanted to not feel anxiety. When I was younger anxiety and me were completely estranged. Turns out I can too feel anxiety, and it’s fucking bad. I can’t win against my brain yelling me that I’m about to feel extremely bad, sometimes that I’m about to die.
It fucking sucks.
Thankfully I worked hard with professionals and after some time I felt ready. I knew this time would be different.
And it did, almost.
The first day was incredible. Everything went smoothly at the airport, I literally started walking and almost never stopped, just a small queue at the security checks. My timing was perfect, I quickly jumped on the airplane. The seat was awful. I mean, I travelled with EasyJet, I guess there is nothing else to say about this. The flight was pleasant, I slept intermittently through all of it, thanks to Tavor of course, I’m starting to be scared about how much it was all It’s work and not mine. (If you don’t know what Tavor is, remember that Google is your friend). I was even able to stop a girl I found pretty to ask her for her number, unfortunately she was already engaged, and that was it. But I was proud. I was able to follow my instinct and not be scared, but again, how much is me and how much is the medication ? Probably it’s just a matter of time and medication gives me just that, time, by letting me cheat my condition just enough to make it true. Literally:

fake it ’til you make it.

Well I’m getting tired of typing, I’m currently enjoying a nice coffee shop and a nice vibe. Even if writing keeps my brain focused, it’s time to reason with it. Yeah, and always remember to smile, smiling makes people way more comfortable.
Always be gentle, always. Never let yourself be a fucking animal, never.
I’ll leave you with this picture I took in Amsterdam: Some Amsterdam Canal

I honestly did not think I was going to add something else to this post but last night something crazy happened: I met a beautiful soul. I felt free, I felt alive. I felt at peace. I was genuine, I did not have to force myself. I did not have to keep focused on purpose, it was natural. It was beautifully natural. Sometimes we humans can do things that are nothing short of magic.
Thanks S. for those amazing moments, they really healed me.